I had a good early childhood as far as I can remember, but I don't remember much.
My first real memory is of when I was five or six and my parents divorced. There was a big fight and me and my older brother watched crying.
I remember having nightmares of my father dying and waking up crying. The divorce was my first loss.
At first my mother and brother were there to comfort me, but that changed.
After the divorce my mom quickly remarried, which brought an evil, psychopathic, violent stepfather into my life, but eventually also my 2 great younger siblings.
In the beginning all of us - my mom and the 4 children - rebelled against my stepfather. We were a real team.
By and by however the others found ways to get along with my stepfather and I was left alone rebelling. Those were my second to fifth losses.
I don't know when it started or when it stopped, but my stepfather hit us children. Well except for my younger sister.
She couldn't do no wrong and she always blamed my little brother who then got punished. I was on his side, which meant I got punished too. I was already standing up for the weaker ones back then.
My stepfather was very unpredictable and would hit us for no good reason. But what was the worst was when he was remorseful and then forced a hug on me after hitting me. I hated that.
Anyway I guess my childhood was where I got my psychiatric diagnoses from.
Due to my troubles at home I was never a happy teenager. I was very lonely and never brought anyone home from school as I was afraid of what my stepfather would do.
I had one good friend in high school for a few years, then I failed Latin and we lost sight of each other.
I came into a new class and soon fell in love with one of my classmates. In retrospect I'd say it was love at first sight.
We quickly became best friends and this turned out to be the best friendship I ever had. We constantly hung out with each other and I could tell she really liked me too.
She had a boyfriend and I was happy about that, because I was afraid of what would happen if we became more than friends. I fantasized about being together with her, but I couldn't really imagine it in real life.
After some time she constantly told me about troubles with her boyfriend and made me feel like she'd rather be together with me than with him, so I began to hope. This hope was the beginning of the end, because it turned into desire and the desire made me unhappy with what I had. I had my first major depression because of this desire and it got worse and worse. I got obsessed with her, or as my therapists and psychiatrists would say "dependent" (see dependent personality disorder).
At one point she made me tell her about my feelings and from then on our friendship was never the same again. We had phases when we didn't speak and then phases when it was all like before.
I couldn't handle this back and fourth and had to end the relationship all together.
I went to the headmaster of school and asked if he could downgrade me, just so I wouldn't have to sit in the same class with her anymore.
The depression lasted about 2 years all in all and afterwards I had winter-depressions every year.
I started studying medicine after my community service as an EMT. I had no idea what I wanted to do in life (I still don't) and everybody urged me to study something, so I copied my brother and medicine it was.
I lived very withdrawn during the 6 years of studying and didn't have any friends or good acquaintances at university.
Few years into it I knew that medicine was not for me, but I didn't dare cancelling it, because I feared repercussions.
But then I found out I wasn't a man and after a few years of keeping it to myself I decided to come out as trans and tell everybody I wouldn't finish medicine at the same time.
It was a good idea to do it together, because nobody knew what to be mad at me about first. Also one year before I "came out as vegan" which was kind of a good exercise. At that time I already lived with my grandmother and had no contact with my stepfather at all, so at least I didn't have to deal with him.
After coming out I soon started taking hormones and I felt much better because of them after a while. I literally felt more comfortable in my skin, I was finally one with my thoughts and feelings and I learned I was non-binary and asexual.
In 2019 I got to know, fell in love with and joined Fridays For Future Vienna. Finally I had a group of people that I wanted to get to know better and wanted to become friends with some of them.
That meant that I finally realized I had social phobia, because getting to know them and becoming friends was very hard for me.
I became friends with one young woman and fell in love with her (again at first sight). It was "just" platonic feelings, but I never had such hard feelings before or since.
Again I became dependent of her and I had a great fear of losing her before I even really got to know her.
At one point we wanted to move in together into a shared apartment, but because of the depression I was having I didn't think she could handle living with me, so I blew it off, which of course only made everything worse.
This was/is the worst depression I ever had. I cut myself multiple times and when she finally ended our friendship I almost killed myself.
I have been in therapy for many years. First for one year or so during my first depression. Then for some years during my transition and then since I became friends with my second love.
In 2020 I was in a psychiatric rehabilitation facility for 6 weeks. Short after that was when she told me, she didn't want to be friends anymore. I became suicidal and ended up in an acute psychiatry. After a week or two I was moved to a sub-acute psychiatry and later to the day-hospital. All in all I stayed about 4 months. It helped, but a few months later, after I saw her again I was suicidal again and ended up in the acute psychiatry for a few days again. This time I didn't stay for longer but I was recommended to sign up for a long time psychiatric stay in Ybbs, where I stayed for 3 months in spring 2022.
During my stay in the day-hospital I met my third love. I only knew her for 3 weeks (again love at first sight), but it was a short version of my second love.
In Ybbs I almost fell in love again with a co-patient, but didn't quite. It was at the end of my stay and because of it I was feeling worse when I left the hospital than when I entered. Also it clearly showed that I still haven't come over my dependent personality disorder.
I have a major depression, am lonely, am chronically underfriended, want to get to know more people, but am afraid of people.
I don't think I'm able to find work in my current state. I barely have the energy to care for myself and my dog.
I'm still hung over my second love and fear the same will happen again and again every time I fall in love.